Holy Sith!

This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but I am a die-hard Star Wars fan. I love the movies (most of them,) and the games (some of them,) and the general effect the Star Wars universe has on popular culture.

Ever since I was a wee lad, I’ve had a strong desire to be a Jedi. Fighting in intergalactic battles, solving diplomatic issues with my badass Jedi detective brain, kicking the ever-loving shit out of the evil galactic empire the only way a Jedi can; with silent brooding and chopping limbs off with a FUCKING LASER SWORD.


lukevsvaderLiterally the coolest made up weapon of popular fiction.

Being a Jedi, or a paragon of the Light Side of the Force has always been appealing. Healing the injured, righting wrongs, and spreading good will and charity throughout the galaxy and what not.

On the other hand, after growing older and weighing the advantages and disadvantages of the complexities of the Force (Midichlorian bullshittery aside), I’ve come to a staggering conclusion. I kind of want to be a Sith. Now before you go spitting out your Corellian whiskey in disgust, and branding me as an evil-loving pile of trash, allow me to explain.

First of all, the nigh omnipotent “Jedi” and their precious “Council” believe that they should live their lives as sterile, unattached, emotionless flesh-sacs—under the concept that attachment leads way to mind-corrupting emotion. With emotion comes the lure of the Dark Side. With the Dark Side comes baby-stomping evil, and unflattering facial lumpage.

Sidious The face only a mother could love?

Take a moment to think about this. Think about the temptation. Jedi can’t covet the flesh. I’m sure they can’t even jerk off, for fear of the corruption that is palpable from fapping yourself into a coma of evil and power-hungry corruption. Lord help you if you have to investigate a brothel somewhere. Good luck concealing your Jedi boner then! This is essentially the equivalent of being a Jesuit priest, who apparently were required to wear painful spiked rings on their penises to condition them into not being aroused to avoid getting their unfortunate erections from getting stabbed from all directions.

I don’t know about you, but I love my friends and family, and I happen to enjoy hating nearly everyone else, thank you very much! When you are a Jedi, you’re supposed to cut off all connections to your loved ones. Screw that! I don’t want to live life completely alone, fighting phony causes for dour, holier-than-thou Jedi assholes.

Now, the Light Side does have some advantages (which I won’t take the time no name,) I’ll give them that. However, the good (or at least tolerable) aspects of being a Jedi are far outweighed by the mass appeal of the Dark Side of the Force.

You could be the laziest asshole that’s ever existed if you were a Sith. Jedi are supposed to refrain from overusing their powers, in fear that it will corrupt their weak and petty minds, making them lust for ultimate power. The Sith aren’t huge, weepy vaginas like the Jedi (let’s not count Anakin, AKA the pussiest Sith we’ve ever seen). When Sith want a cool, refreshing glass of Juma Juice after a hard day’s work just hanging out and being evil, and they can’t reach it from their present location, what do they do? They fucking “Accio” that shit, and bring it to them with the sheer power of the Force (Telekinesis, BABY!!) That, or they could just threaten to force choke their significant other if they don’t bring it to them with haste. They don’t ask politely.

Choked

You could also be an enormous bad ass with the power that you can wield at your fingertips. Say some anus-lipped Bitch, or some little Rodian bitch gets in your grill while you’re enjoying your night at the local Cantina and calls you a “Chooba face with breath that smells like Bantha poodoo.” Just lift his ass into the air with your mind and crush their squishy little windpipe. That or shoot him with fucking LIGHTNING until he explodes into fairy dust. That will show him who’s the fucking Chooba face!! Take it, Slamo!!

There is one major caveat to being so exceedingly awesome. Your face will literally look like the back of an Ithorian’s head. You’ll be one ugly sack of crap! This isn’t necessarily a disadvantage, however. In the Star Wars universe, the pug-fugliest, lumpiest dudes are often the ones with the most power and command the most respect. It symbolizes how attuned with the force you are. When you are a Sith, you get progressively more gross, on account of all of the horrible deeds you’ve done, younglings you’ve mass-slaughtered, Ewoks you’ve raped (if you’re into that), and all of that daily Force abuse does a number on your face. You go from zero to Quasimodo at an alarming rate. But even if you look like a horrible cross between Steve Buscemi and Edward James Olmos, you can rest assured that people will fear and respect you. If only such a world existed where the ugly people are no longer outcasts, but rulers over all others…

MAN, you could be such a greedy bastard! You could go up to the finest Twi’lek honey in the Pazaak den and say “You will sleep with me,” and with a simple wave of some jazz hands, you will have a mind-dominated sex companion for the night! Or you could just get free money by walking up to everyone and saying “You will give me money.” Unless of course, you’re talking to another Force-sensitive, a Hutt, a droid, or whatever the fuck Watto is (I looked it up, he’s a Toydarian). Aside from these exceptions, its fair game, baby!

Another cool thing about the Sith is that they are immensely strong and passionate folk. According to KOTOR, the Code of the Sith goes as follows: “Peace is a lie, there is only Passion. Through Passion, I gain Strength. Through Strength, I gain Power. Through Power, I gain Victory. Through Victory, my Chains are broken. The Force shall free me.” How cool is that?? The purpose of a Sith’s being (other than being the ultimate free thinkers) is the ultimate drive for complete and utter dominion over all life. The strongest rules them all. Others may come and challenge the title until a new, strong ultimate badass is crowned, effectively becoming the new Dark Lord. What a fair way to govern. Strength of body and mind over perceived notions of entitlement.

Let’s not forget the coolest aspect of being a Sith…The lightsaber!

Lightsaber

There is nothing on Earth I would rather have than a lightsaber. Nothing. I don’t need a double-blade, or anything fancy like that. Just one, single-bladed, blood-red lightsaber. With or without a crossguard, it doesn’t matter. I can just imagine the warming glow as I cleave through my enemies like butter…but I digress.

How about you, readers? Have a favorite reason for giving up on a life of altruism? Have any humorous stories about galaxy-domination? Sound off in the comments below. Consume yourself in the power of the Dark Side!

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